Wednesday, August 29, 2007
GRANDPA CRUSHES
Ok, let's state the obvious: I don't mind dating older men. This isn't to say that I have a thing for them, though. I generally gravitate towards men around the same age as me, as most people do. But let's face it: Bob was 68 and I'm 35, so I clearly don't have any boundaries there. And what I found out is that no matter what age men are, they can still be douchebags. (Clarification: not ALL men. Just most of the ones I've slept with. Which mom and dad, if you're reading this, is ZERO.)Anyhizzle...
I was reading Maire Claire magazine and they had a little feature on Grandpa Crushes. (Yes, look at me investing time into learning about world issues and important topics.) This article was right up my alley, of course, and they listed their grandpa crushes as:
-Paul Newman (HOT)
-Peter O'Toole
-Richard Fond
-Joe Biden
So I thought I would play along and list my crushes as well. I'm going to draw the line at 50 and above. So here's a few grandpa hotties that I could get down with:
You know you dig him too. Sean Connery is sex-ay.
Sweet Jesus. I'll take a dip in that pool ANYTIME. Of course, he's married to just about the most beautiful woman on the planet, but I think I can compete. Yeah.
Raiders of the Lost Diva. That's all I'm saying.
Gary Oldman. Sigh. I would trade my first born to be with him. Never mind that I'm not having kids. I am totally ga-ga over this dude. He's INTENSE. And the youngest of the bunch. It's unfortunate, though, that whenever I mention his name, people say, "The kid from DIFFERENT STROKES!?!?" Yeah. Whatchoo talkin' bout Willis? Gary Oldman is DREAMY.
Anyhow, there's my old guy list. Feel free to share your Grandpa/Grandma crushes if you got em.
Monday, August 27, 2007
TWICE BITTEN, NOT SHY
Besides the heat, you know why I HATE summer? Bugs. I can't stand all the creepy crawly things all over the place. And twice this weekend, I had an up close and personal encounter with two of my least favorite in the bug world.On Saturday, I woke up with a GIANT, SWOLLEN, RED BUMP on my arm. Of course, it was red because I was scratching it relentlessly, but it almost warranted a trip to the ER for some drugs. Luckily for me, Dr. Mom was on the scene and diagnosed it as a spider bite. Let it be known that spiders are my LEAST favorite bug. I have nightmares about spiders. And now one's left it's mark on my arm.
Sunday, I was outside cooking some chicken on my grill when I felt something on my leg that hurt like a mo-fo. At first I thought a flame got me, then I realized I got stung by a bee. I had DUNGAREES** on, so this little shit flew up my pant leg and bit me! As soon as I realized what it was, I felt it crawling dangerously upwards to say hi-dee-hi to the whoo-dee-hoo, and I was like OH, HELL NO! BEES: NOT INVITED!! I jumped up and down until it fell out then I stomped on it and yelled out loud, "Take that motherfucker!" Thank God no one was around to witness that because I looked a little cuckoo. And now I have another large, red welt on my thigh.
You'll be happy to know that despite the bee incident, the grilled chicken salad I made was deelish. (recipe: cubed grilled chicken, halved red grapes, diced onions, diced celery, fat free mayo, and Nancy's Sharp and Creamy mustard. YUM.)
Completely unrelated: I think WAYNE BRADY would be a kick-ass competitor on Dancing with the Stars. Someone should get on that. And by the way, unlike the bees, he'd be INVITED.
Related in a weird way: Remember HER?
**Sue and I are trying to bring that back into style!
Labels: bugs, wayne brady
Friday, August 24, 2007
WOW. NOW I'M SERIOUS!
Look at me all official-like:
Bet you're dying to know what the "J" stands for, aren't ya? (Ok, I know you could give a hoot, but just play along, ok?)
The correct answer can be found in the comment section - for those of you who just HAVE to know....(all none of you)
Labels: ASCAP
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
SCREAMING PUSSY
The other night at about 1:00 a.m. I was in bed reading my book. Julip was lying next to me and the air conditioner was running, so there was some noise in my bedroom. Loud and clear over the air conditioner, I heard a woman screaching bloody murder. Both Julip and I jumped out of bed and I had NO idea what to do. Should I call the cops? Should I turn on the lights? Should I go outside?I decided to turn on all the lights and see what was going on outside...and I heard and saw nothing. I waited to see if I could hear anything else and eventually went back to bed, thinking maybe I had made it up in my head.
The next day, I was telling my friend Jeannie (who lives 3 minutes down the street from me) about this and she said, "Oh no. I know EXACTLY what that is. We had the same thing happen over here and called the cops who promptly told us it was a FISHER CAT."
Uh, EXUSE ME???
I said there was NO WAY this could have been a cat and she said, "Yeah, I know. It sounds like a woman being murdered."
So tonight I was telling my parents the same story and before I even finished it, my mom said, "Oh, that's a Fisher Cat."
HOW have I gone THIRTY FIVE YEARS without ever hearing a thing about this fucking FREAK OF NATURE?!?!
What I found out:
A fisher cat is a large, dark brown North American arboreal, carnivorous mammal.
In fact there is no such thing as a fisher cat. It's not actually a cat but rather a member of the weasel family. There are many theories as to why Fishers are so often called Fisher Cat:
One is that they sometimes hang around barns eating mice, just like a cat would.
Another, is that the old French word for polecat, or fitchew, a European member of the weasel family, was fissau. This later became ficher (and then fisher or fisher cat) in English. Still another theory is that Fishers are widely blamed for devouring housecats that venture out for a stroll in the woods.
The'Fisher Cat'- is coloured a deep brown and is a richly-furred handsome mammal.
The Fisher typically measures between 30 and 41 inches in length. A Fisher Cat can grow up to thirty pounds and is much larger than either the mink or the pine marten, two of its close relatives in the weasel family.
The Fisher Cat is a ferocious predator of small game and they are very fast on their feet. The Fisher Cat is a resident of dense forests, and is a solitary creature and very elusive. Few ever get the chance to see a Fisher, mainly because they are nocturnal. However, fisher Cats can sometimes be heard calling in the woodlands during their mating season. They have a chilling scream very much like that of high-pitched child or woman.
Fishers, which in addition to eating small game** will emit a shrill shriek when provoked, enjoy a rather exaggerated reputation as predators.
***Eating small game? Like say, a small yippy dog?!?
What the HELL? I don't like the idea of having some 30 lb screaching, ugly-ass weasel running around my hood trying to eat my dog! What's next, polar bears?!?! Killer pigeons?!?
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Ok, one of two things has happened here:1. A huge artic front* has covered New England
or
2. My circulation has turned to shit.
It's freakin' COLD. I'm SHIVERING in August. That ain't right.
*Obviously, this is scientific lingo from my vast and varied background in environmental climate changes.
Friday, August 17, 2007
ON BEING SINGLE
From the "I couldn't have said it better myself" department:"My friend Ray...said he hoped he'd die quickly - in a car accident or skydiving - because the idea of dying alone was the one part that really worried him. When I asked my friend Eve if she ever got nervous, she said, "It's age. I started worrying when I turned thirty-seven. You wonder if you'll always be alone because you've gotten so used to it. It's scary and weird because you're living it, but also trying not to think about it because if you thought too much about your life you'd never get out of bed." - Amy Cohen / The Late Bloomer's Revolution (link on left nav bar)
Thursday, August 16, 2007
EVEN SOMETHING SMALL
It's pretty easy to forget how good we have it. Sure, we've got troubles, but sometimes you forget just how insignificant they are by comparison. I read this article about the horrific rapes in the Congo and how rape is being used as a weapon of war. I was literally brought to tears when I read about what happened to these women. And it made me embarassed of the stupid things I get upset about.Sometimes it can feel overwhelming to try and help. You think, "I'm only one person, what can I do?" It's also easy to either look away or forget. But I can't do that. I think everyone can do something...even something small like telling others. That's what I'm doing. Telling you. Even a small contribution makes a difference, and if we all make a small contribution, it adds up to something big.
Please read the article (linked above) and then make a small (or large) donation HERE. Donations are tax deductable.
I'll also put the graphic links on the left navigation bar if you choose to make a donation in the future.
Money isn't anything. Kindness is. Let's all do something small to help.
Labels: charity, congo, donate
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
MUSIC & CONVERSATION
And completely unrelated, this conversation made me laugh today:
m.bilotta: yeah - hey I am reading a good book now you might like to put on your future list
"the lovely Bones."
me: what is it?
i heard about that
someone else told me that was really good
m.bilotta: it's interesting and Peter Jackson is doing a film of it for next year
me: that should be interesting. i'll have to read it
me: i was telling cynthia that i needed to order more books and that amazon was taking to long to deliver them to me and she said, "uh...why don't you try going to the LIBRARY."
m.bilotta: what is THAT??
me: i cannot even tell you the last time i went to a library.
lol
m.bilotta: been at least 15 years for me!
me: so now i'm on a mission to get over this week and get a card
m.bilotta: wow - what a concept!
me: but that's sort of a pain in the ass, because then i have to RETURN THEM
m.bilotta: and you can't spill food on them
m.bilotta: lol
me: i wish the library was like netflix
me: could throw them in my mailbox and someone would bring them back for me
m.bilotta: I bet they'll be gone within 20 years
me: i bet less than that
m.bilotta: once everyone has computer access
me: that's sad though
me: i loved the library when i was a kid
m.bilotta: me too
we had a fun one
me: i was the nerd that would come out with two bags full o' books
m.bilotta: I used to look at naked Greek men in vases
me: national geographic, baby. naked people all over those.
lots of floppy boobs
m.bilotta: cucumber tits!
me: they're not big on bras in third world countries. i might be going to hell for saying that.
lol....you know i have to post this conversation on my blog, right?
Sunday, August 12, 2007
DR. SODERQUIST TO THE RESCUE!
My mom has a long history of making snap medical diagnosis' based on very little fact and/or knowledge. Any time there is anything wrong with me, she always does two things:1. Tells me it's likely due to me being overweight (which is true)
2. Gives me the worst possible medical diagnosis
A classic example of this: one time she was helping me color my hair (because I cannot see the back of my head and don't want to burn my hair off), and therefore had her hands on my skull. She start feeling around back there and told me I had lumps on my head and that I should have that checked because I could have Hodgkin's disease or some other very dramatic form of cancer.
The thing is, we make the perfect team, because I'm a hypochondriac, and she's a pretend doctor with no medical training. I immediately went to see my actual doctor who promptly laughed at me and told me that I just had a bumpy head. Embarassing, no?
So this morning, my mom stopped by with coffee and ibuprofen for me since I'm stuck in the house (which was pretty nice of her). She asked me how my foot was feeling, and then I showed her my big sausage toes. She took one look and proclaimed:
"You have gout."
Uh, WHAT? I'm 35, not 90. Isn't gout an old-people thing? Apparently not. We looked it up on WebMD, and I think for the FIRST TIME IN HISTORY, my mother may have diagnosed me correctly:
What is the Definition of Gout?
Gout, also called crystal-induced arthritis, is an arthritic condition that occurs when uric acid crystals accumulate in the joints. Gout usually affects the large joint of the big toe, but can also affect other joints, such as the knee, ankle, foot, hand, wrist and elbow. In rare cases, it may later affect the shoulders, hips or spine. Gout does not spread from joint to joint (thank JESUS for that!).
In about 90 percent of all cases, gout is prevalent in men older than 40 and in menopausal women. (This is possible. My mother went through early menopause and I'm already exhibiting early menopausal symptoms) An "episode" often occurs overnight, and within 12 to 24 hours, there is severe pain and swelling in the affected joint. The episode usually lasts about five to 10 days. FIVE TO TEN DAYS. SOMEONE GET ME SOME DRUGS, YO.
Although the exact cause is unknown, gout may be caused by:
*genetic defect in metabolism, which causes overproduction and retention of uric acid
*kidney impairment that prevents normal elimination of uric acid
(Important to note that when I was about 27, I got the ecoli virus and was hospitalized for a week - I almost died. After all the testing was done, my doctor told me that I had kidney damage that would most likely effect my health as I got older. I just didn't think that would effect MY TOES!)
*thiazide diuretic medications (water pills) used to treat high blood pressure and heart failure
(Important to note: I take blood-press meds, including hydroclorothiazide.)
*diseases of the blood cells and blood-forming organs, certain cancers and psoriasis
*environmental factors, such as obesity, alcohol abuse and a purine-rich diet.
The reading we did on this almost always pointing to a problem with the big toe, like I'm having. I'm pretty sure it's gout. I'll call my doc (my REAL doc) to confirm, but if Dr. Mom is right, I'm pretty fucked because all I can do is take ibuprofen and wait it out.
I hate my big toe right now.
Labels: Dr. Mom, Dr. Soderquist, foot, hypochondriac
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Blue
I've got some bitching to do today:*My foot is killing me. I think I've mentioned this before, but I sleepwalk sometimes (have since I was a kid), and I think sometimes at night I bump into things and don't even know it until the next day. This is the second time I've done something to my right foot and I cannot even stand on it today. It's huge and poofy and looks like a blue sausage, and it's frickin KILLING ME.
*WHY do stores INSIST on putting the price tag of framed photos and artwork ON THE GLASS??!? This drives me batshit. I just bought three framed photos for my dining room walls, and all three of them had me scraping that shit off with a knife and scrubbing. It makes absolutely NO sense to me. Put it on the BACK...where there's usually fuzzy shit that it will easily peel off of. CRIPES!
*PMS strikes again. I lost -1.2 lbs this past Wednesday bringing me down a totaly of 9.2 lbs. Today, I woke up all bloated (feeling very sausage-y like my foot) and up 5 lbs. FUCK.
*Please. Everyone. Do NOT invite me to a wedding again until I have a boyfriend. It's just a painful reminder that I don't have anyone to go with.
*Last night we played poker at my place and I lost about $120. I had fun, but still, losing sucks.
*Also at poker was the guy I have a crushy-crush on. A while back, I asked him out (via email because I'm a lame-ass like that, and because I don't have his #), and he said yes, but "as friends," to which I politely declined because I have enough friends. I thought I was over it and him and found out last night that I'm not. I think I played it cool, but there was another girl there who was obviously interested in him, and though she was nice, she was pretty much a big geek/nerd. But she's thin, so she wins. They stayed outside my house talking for about 30 mins after the game, and that just broke my heart.
Now I'm stuck inside for the weekend because I can't walk and I'm bored out of my skull. And I've got nothing to do but feel sorry for myself. And tell you about it.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
$$$$ CHA-CHING! $$$$
Another reason for me to love my job:Today my boss called me to just catch up before he leaves on a 12 day vacation (envy). At the end of the conversation, he told me that he's giving me a 10% raise (which equates to some sweet extra cash each month) and that he was really happy with me as an employee. He said, "I just want you to know that I really appreciate your hard work."
I said, "NICE!" And he laughed and then we talked a bit more before he hung up. I love that guy, seriously. I mean, in a you're-my-married-boss kind of love way.
I'm so frickin' happy right now!
Monday, August 06, 2007
WELL, I GUESS I TOLD HIM!
Last night at about 1:30 am, I was woken up from a dead sleep by my telephone ringing. I didn't recognize the number, so I figured it was a wrong number. Except that they called right back. Today, I realized I had messages on my machine, and HOLY CRAP, did I not expect this:(Dislaimer: not suitable for the workplace)
MESSAGE 1
MESSAGE 2
My favorite part of that was "You wanna get married. You wanna do this, you wanna do that." Say WHAT?
Ok, I don't know who this clown is, but clearly he's just drunk-dial pranking me. But he woke me up in the middle of the night! Bastard. So I decided to give him a call back. Because douchebag is clearly a genius and left his caller ID on there. So, I called him at around noon (blocking MY caller ID, of course) and woke HIM up (yeah, at noon - this guy's a real charmer). Here's how the conversation went:
ME: "Did you make some calls last night??"
HIM: "It wasn't me."
ME: "Uh, yeah, it was."
HIM: "It wasn't me."
ME: "Well listen, you're clearly not 12, so perhaps you could stop drunk-dialing peole in the middle of the night." CLICK.
Yeah, bitches! I told HIM. Huh?? HUH?!?!
Ok, my callback was totally lame, I know. But still, I bet he didn't expect to hear from one of his drunk-dialing victims. Yeah! I got him back! Sort of.
If I go missing anytime soon, you know what happened, and tell the cops to look up my caller ID.
Labels: random