Thursday, September 27, 2007

Goodbye Beannie

Today was the day.

I went to my parents early so I could spend time with him before I brought him over. He was very hungry and not touching his food, and his tail was flipping with agitation. He let me pet him, but he didn't want me picking him up (like he used to love).

I brought Beannie to the vet at 5:45. It was so hard because even though he was dirty from not being able to clean himself, he was alert and didn't look that bad. I kept second guessing myself if I was making the right decision, and I was crying all day long about this.

I brought him in and had about 15 minutes to wait until the doctor came in. I sat that holding him and crying, and feeling like I was going to throw up at any time. The doctor finally came in, and we talked about it and she said she really believed it was the right decision. She gave him a shot to help him relax and gave me another five minutes with him. He curled up in a ball in my arms and I started sobbing and telling him I loved him and I was sorry. She came back in and let me hold him while she gave him the shot. She said it would be about 30 seconds, but he was gone in about 10 seconds.

She said I could stay with him longer if I wanted, but I couldn't. She took him and I collapsed in the chair sobbing my eyes out. He went so peacefully, but I am still so very, very sad about it. Afterwards, she came out and told me that in a week's time, the tumor had grown and had now gone from the bottom of his mouth into the back of his throat. It was the right decision.

He was such a beautiful, sweet cat. I can't believe how painful this is. It was awful to go through, but I'm glad it was me with him, and I'm glad he died in my arms surrounded by love.

Posted by Taunia @ 7:17 PM :: (2) comments

Friday, September 21, 2007


I'll tell ya, when depression hits me, it hits me like a ton o' bricks. And I've got outside factors helping depression kick my ass.

A couple weeks ago, I had a pretty huge falling out with a family member and friend and some incredibly disrespectful words were said to me. The kind that there's no going back from. I've been having a hard time dealing with that - fluxuating between rage/anger and hurt feelings.

Add to that a pretty significant weight gain in the past week.

Add to that a phone call from my dad last night. Not a good one.

When I was in college, my dad's cat had kittens and I took one of them - a little orange and white tabby with hazel eyes - and named him Beannie. Beannie was a messed up little kitty: both his paws turned inwards and he looked like a little boxer. Despite that, he got around really well and was a beautiful cat with a really nice disposition. Unfortunately, I developed allergies to cats (and dust, and a some skin products and herbs) when I was in my early 20s, and I had to give Beannie back to my parents. Ever since then, I pop an allergy pill and visit my pal when I go home. Beannie is about 15 years old now.

Last night, my dad called and said Beannie has stopped cleaning himself and eating within the past two days. I went home and got him today and took him to the vet. Everything looked fine: his weight, his temp...until they opened his mouth. He has a very large tumor underneath his tounge, and that's pushing his toungue back a bit and he's not really able to chew or clean.

The doctor said that they can remove the tumor, but it's malignant, and in 90% of the cases, once the tumor is removed...it comes back within 1-3 months and is much more agressive. She also said that at 15 years old, that the recover for a mouth surgery is long and painful for a cat. She said that I should start thinking about putting him down.

I was bawling like a baby in the vet office and she sent me home with some baby-food consistency food and told me to buy beef and chicken baby food for him. When I got home, I put some in a bowl and he gobbled it up - probably thankful to be able to get something down. She said she'd call me Monday with bloodwork results and talk about what the options are.

I know that death is part of life, but this sucks SO BAD. He's such a good cat, and to think he might be in pain, or hungry, or suffering in some way just kills me. And I've never had to put a pet down before. I'm not very good in these types of situations, but I want to be there when he goes, so he'll leave surrounded with love.

Fuck. I'm crying again.

And of course, with all this, I feel lonely and just want Bob to comfort me. But I keep forgetting there is no Bob in my life anymore, so I just have to sit here and cry it out myself.

I'm sad as shit right now. Sometimes life gives you a whole crapload to handle at once.

Posted by Taunia @ 2:59 PM :: (2) comments

Thursday, September 06, 2007


You have to admit, this is pretty cool. In a weird/dorky way, but cool.

Posted by Taunia @ 6:40 PM :: (0) comments

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


Every day, a bunch of kids walk through my yard. It pisses me off. I know it shouldn't, but it does. I just thought about when I was a kid, and it was just sort of this unwritten rule that you don't walk through folk's yards. All the kids on the street abode by that rule, so it's weird to see kids traipsing through. Even weirder is that the moms and dads do it too. They cut through my yard to get to my street. The whole lot of them.

I started thinking about it and it doesn't really bother me that they cut through the yard. What bothers me is that I'll be right there in the window, or on the porch, or looking out the door and they look RIGHT AT ME and don't smile, don't say hello, don't wave. Nothing. Just this sort of bad-ass look like, "Yeah? I'm cutting through your yard. You got a problem? FUCK OFF." I mean, if you're going to cut through my yard, you could at least be fucking neighborly and smile or some shit like that.

Yesterday a kid tried to walk back there and Julip was out there and scared the begeezus out of him. He ran back out and found another yard. lol

Anyhow, is this NORMAL? I mean, do people in houses just cut through each other's yards and shit? Maybe it's been so long since I've lived in a house that I just can't remember?

Posted by Taunia @ 12:04 PM :: (0) comments

Monday, September 03, 2007


I am planning a piano bar night with some of my friends, and (of course) am organizing it through Evite. You can do a search for the theme you want on the Evite, so I searched for "cabaret" and Evite came back with these results:

cabaret : no results
Did you mean: gay pride


Posted by Taunia @ 12:55 PM :: (0) comments