Wednesday, November 28, 2007
WHO HASN'T SEEN EM YET?
Today was a full day of pre-surgery testing - including an arterial blood draw, pulminary test, regular blood lab work, an EKG, a chest X-ray, and an ultrasound.
I think half of Boston Medical Center saw my boobs and big fat belly today. So many people told me to take my bra and shirt off and then poked at me, I lost count. Not a lot of folks who didn't get a look. I'm just sayin'.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
POST-THANKSGIVING
Monday, November 19, 2007
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
Today I had my first consult appointment with my surgeon. I already knew what he looked like and that patients really loved his demeanor from www.obesityhelp.com. Last week at my support group meeting, an older lady was talking about him and she said, "I'm in love with him," and we all laughed. But let me tell you something, so am I.He was sweet and understanding and non-judgemental. He wasn't condescending in any way, and was just really excited FOR me that my life was going to be so different. He was funny and we joked with each other and really hit it off. And he's just so CUTE. I seriously fell for him and although I know I can't say a word about it right now (so I don't jeopardize my surgery!), mark my words that I *will* be asking him out when my surgery is done. I'm sure lots of women go in there and get all ga-gah over this man who's changing their life, but I really did feel like we hit it off. I could be totally wrong, but that's fine. I'm in love with my surgeon. I'm ok with that.
There was one awkward moment when he said he had to look at my stomach and I freaked out! I was NOT prepared for that happening and I told him that. He laughed and said, "Taunia, I'm going to have to see your stomach at SOME point," to which I remarked, "Yes, but I was hoping I would be out cold under anesthesia when that happened." I left out the part about me having an instant crush on him too. That was probably one of my finer moments of judgement. Anyhow, he told me I had nothing to be embarassed about because I was a beautiful girl and I great singer. That helped, but still, I covered my face with my hands like a little girl because I was so embarassed.
And no, he has no wedding ring. I don't know how that's possible because he's a total catch in every way: good looking, sweet, kind, funny, clearly intelligent. PLEASE GOD, let him be straight. For once in my life, please let the good looking, sweet, kind, funny and intelligent man be a STRAIGHT GUY. (Don't get me wrong ladies. You know I love you. But Diva needs some sugar!)
Ok, I need to go back to being all googly about my surgeon. *sigh*
P.S. No surgery date in sight yet, but I have a hella lot of tests to take on 11/28
7:45am Check in
8:00am Arterial Blood Gases and Pulmonary Function test
EKG
BLOODWORK
CHEST X-RAY
I get out of the mammogram because I'm under 40. Yeah, baby! After that, 2 nutritionist appts, then a pysch test, then they schedule the surgery. Looks like *hopefully* it will be late January, early February. Just in time for my 36th birthday. I have a feeling Soderfest will be held at Boston Medical Center this year. :|
Sunday, November 18, 2007
SERENA IS HERE
I cannot believe how quickly this happened. A few days ago, I just started keeping my eyes open for a companion dog for Julip. I never really had the urge to get another dog, but I felt like Julip was depressed sitting around all day while I worked, and that she needed a friend.
So I started looking on Craigslist and through the shelter's and found Serena, a five year old rat terrier:
(Julip is a rat terrier too) I checked with my vet and she said they make good playmates for each other. So I contacted the agency, filled out an application, and BOOM! She was adopted by me - today.
The thing is, I feel GUILTY. Julip is totally confused and I can tell a little upset with me. I just hope that they get more comfortable with each other within the week. I asked the shelter if I could have a week to see how it goes with them and they said that was fine. Right now, they're still feeling each other out, and competing for my attention. It's cute, but awkward, because I want Serena to feel comfortble, but I don't want Julip to get jealous and upset.
But they ARE super cute together:
We'll see how it goes. I don't know why, but I wanted to cry when Serena got here. It just felt weird after 2.5 yrs of just me and Julip to have another dog. But it's all up to the Queen. If Julip likes her, she stays. If not, luckily there's a lot of other folks on a wait list for her. She's really sweet and loving, so I hope they hit it off. We'll see how this week goes.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
OK, LAST ONE (for a while), I SWEAR!
I'm just so happy they have these fun little tunes on www.singsnap.com!Labels: taunia songs
Friday, November 16, 2007
SINGSNAP ROCKS
Ok, I know it's a karaoke site, but COME ON....there's some kick-ass tunes on this site!Labels: taunia songs
ME IN PICTURES
On Facebook, someone sent me one of those pictures tests, where you select the photo that most represents how you feel about something. (You can take a similar online test HERE. OR search for PICTURE PERSONALITY on Facebook) Here are my results, which I think are fairly accurate. I never tired of taking ridiculous online tests!! lolTemperament : Idealist
You are the quintessential dreamer - spending more time thinking about the possibilities that the world holds for you, rather than your reality. You don't settle for anything less than what you truly desire and you work very hard. You tend to live in every place except the present - you are prone to daydreaming about the future and re-thinking the choices you made in the past. Sometimes you get overly caught up in your thoughts.
Interests : Thrill Seeker
You are interested in anything that is exciting and pleasurable. You're not afraid to indulge yourself - you live by your own set of rules and don't allow yourself to get hung on what others think. For the most part, you are independent and do whatever you please to do. Trying to stop you from doing something only makes you want it even more. At the end of the day - you live for life's most thrilling moments.
Amusement : Adventurous
It's a good thing that you are filled with energy and ambitions (that others sometimes find exhausting) because you're continually looking for a new adventure and exciting experience. You struggle with a continual feeling of restlessness which constantly pushes you to the next level of excitement. Once you have accomplished one thing, you are eager to accomplish something more exciting, riskier and distinguishable.
Passion : Emotional
For you passion is less about romance and sex - it's more about friendship and family. Strong emotional bonds and connections are your passion and your pleasure. You always let your loved ones know how much you love, respect and admire them. You do this through kind words, loving actions and simple gestures. You count your blessings each day and express your love openly. You expect the same from others.
Labels: online tests, personality tests
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
WHY, WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????
For an hour now, since 8:00am, I have been listening to the most God-awful instrusive and loud landscaping crew working on a lawn two houses down. WHY does your shit need to be THAT LOUD?!?! I'm not joking, I was very honestly scared for my hearing and made two makeshift earplugs out of Puffs Plus tissues.Oh sweet Jesus, thank you. They're leaving.
Also, my favorite support request/misspelling/misuse of the day:
"I'll get back to you on the IP addresses. I don't understand alot of this stuff, so bare with me."
Lady, unless you want me stand around buck nekkid with ya, you may want to consult a dictionary.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
PEEL ME A GRAPE
Labels: taunia songs
JEANNIECRANE.COM
I just finished the new website for my friend Jeannie's voice studio, and I like it so much, I want to steal it as my own. lol Check her out:
Friday, November 09, 2007
WARNING: THIS ENTRY IS NOT BOY-FRIENDLY
For years I have used tampons only because I *hate* pads. They make me feel like I'm wearing a diaper, and I've got a good 40 years or so before that needs to happen again. But the past few months, I figured the va-jay-jay needs to breathe a bit during the week, so I decided to go back to pads. You know, switch it up, because that's how I roll now. Being as I haven't shopped for pads in years, I just always grab the first thing I see.
Now my question is this: WHY do they all smell like a fucking rose garden? Gah. I can't stand it. And it's OVERPOWERING. I mean, the second I pull down my drawers, it's like Martha Stewart came in and took over my business. Seriously, what the hell? I don't really understand the need for it. I have never ONCE had a situation during the month where I have been like, "HOLY HELL! WE NEED SOME FRESHENER - STAT!" What genius thought the whoo-dee-who needed to smell like a florist shop?
And it seems like I NEVER just grab unscented when I'm at the store. It's like the push unscented to the back, favoring the floral junk. I've got multiple choices of floral, though: FRESH! SPRING GARDEN! 1-800-FLORIST!
People, not only do a feel like I'm wearing a diaper, but now I get a fucking headache on TOP of the monthly headache from the overpowering sent of lilies and lilacs in my crotch. I'm going back to my original plan of not wearing diapers until I'm old. And hopefully I'll have more options than "Garden in Your Pants" at that time.
Labels: TMI
Monday, November 05, 2007
THE BBW WAY OF LIFE
Ok, I know I'm likely going to get some serious backlash for this, but it's been on my mind for a while now. For those of you who don't know, BBW means "Big, Beautiful Woman." I don't know who coined that term, but I've always hated it. I've always hated how it singled women out like sideshow freaks, and how it has the same ring to it that "BDSM" has to it: a fetish calling. There are a lot of women who'll argue with me on this (some my friends) on how it is a positive term to enpower larger women and the acceptance of larger women, it's just never felt like that to me. It's always made me feel uneasy, like "something to behold," and per usual, made my weight the focus of who I was as a person.
99% of the men I dated who were into BBW were not at all interested in who I was as a person. They were mostly concerned with my fat. Don't get me wrong, we all have our preferences, but I feel like there's a wide gap between visual preferences and fetishes, and my dates always seemed to exist on the other side of that fence. Example: one man asked me if "I ever had my belly licked..you should try it, you'd like it." It still makes me cringe to even think about that. Another took me out for lunch, and made me pay FOR THE ENTIRE MEAL BECAUSE HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY, all the while staring intently at my chest and telling me that at 41, he lived in his parents basement and had dated pretty much every fat girl in the community. It seemed like the quality of men I met was not really to my liking, and every one of them seemed to have this lustful look in their eyes that I could not ignore.
And that's the thing, the community is small. There's a lot of incestuous relationships where all the women know each other, are pretty catty, and pretty much everyone has dated each other. And it breeds a mindset in some of the women that I'm just not comfortable with. If you go to any site, you'll likely see numerous half-naked pictures of them, and even worse if you attend a BBW dance (yes, they have those). The women grind up against each other while the men circle around the dancefloor and watch like predators. They put on a show for them, and it makes me sick to my stomach.
After numerous encounters with these men, I just decided BBW dating was not for me. Still, I didn't trust men to look beyond my weight or the outside package. I always just assumed that any man who was interested in me was interested in me because I was fat. That was, until I met Bob. At first, I thought he might be one of those men, but once I realized that we had a connection, I knew he loved me for the things about myself that I am proud of. He loved that I was a singer, and loved to hear me sing. He loved that I was funny and that I was outgoing. But curiously enough, after 7 years of our being together, I know that in addition to my age, my weight was the other reason he wouldn't make a commitment to me. He was embarassed of me.
Now putting aside all of the dating and emotional issues, my weight has been an increasingly difficult PHYSICAL problem to deal with. In my twenties, I was full of energy and always on the go. In my thirties, my body started to betray me. Everything hurts. Walking is a huge pain in the ass. Breathing is too when I go up stairs. It just sucks. I feel twenty years older than I actually am. My 68 year old (ex)boyfriend had more energy than I did. That's just not right.
And I see a very large problem in this growing movement of "fat acceptance." The thing is, realistically, EVERYONE should be accepted - no matter what their size. Everyone should be treated with respect. But just today, I saw a 20-something youtube video of this extremely overweight girl rolling around in practically nothing, licking her lips and staring at the camera with a come-hither look. Incredibly degrading, and she doesn't even know it. All the comments were, "I'd tap that!" and "I'd sleep with her just to say I did a fat chick!" and she would respond with these big grand "Thank you!" messages with smiley faces. And then she would state numerous times that you can be fit and healthy at ANY weight, and that she was healthy at hers (she weighs MORE than me). And therein lies the problem.
NO. Fat is NOT healthy. It is NOT good for you. You will never ever be able to convince me otherwise. Right now, she's not feeling it in her twenties, or if she is, she's completely denying it. In 10 years, she'll be singing a much different tune, I promise you.
I think the fat acceptance movement gives overweight people an excuse to continue being overweight and to coddle themselves. I think it's much easier to stand for a social acceptance issue and then quietly continue down the same destructive eating path that got us where we are today. If you've got men who are telling you you're sexy and gorgeous the way you are, you're less motivated to do something to better your health, and most times, they'll see to it that you don't. If you've got a whole movement of people saying that fat should be accepted and even worshipped, why do heavier women still feel the need to strip down to barely nothing and degrade themselves in front of complete strangers to PROVE that they're sexy? I think this mentality is just as dangerous as "thin is in" mentality that the media throws in our face. Either end of the spectrum is the extreme.
(And for the record, I do realize that some overweight women CAN be perfectly healthy. What I'm really referencing is obesity - of which there is an epidemic in this country. And no, obesity is NOT healthy. Science PROVES IT.)
The people in my life right now love me because I'M ME. They love me because of my qualities and see past my weight. But me, I can't see past it any longer. It's defined who I am for 35 years. It's had me wage an internal emotional battle with myself for 35 years. It's kept me from living and doing things that I WANT to do. I can't ride a bike. I can't audition for a lead role in a musical. I can't be picked up by someone who loves me. My fat rules my life. And it's NOT a positive thing. I don't want anyone telling me that those things are acceptable. I don't want anyone telling me that the 6 pills a day I take to regulate my blood pressure and insulin are acceptable. I don't want to coddle myself any more.
I tried losing weight. Cripes, I've tried everything. Like so many other people, it's an uphill battle, fighting genetics, emotional issues, convenience, and just plain not being able to move much at this weight. As obsese people, we've got two choices: lose weight through dieting, or lose weight through surgery. My doctor told me that statistically, people with 100+ lbs to lose are only truly successful through surgery. And so I'm making the choice that gives me the best chance to survive past 50.
I'm taking a very drastic measure because I want to be accepted for being ME. For being pro-active in my health and longevity of my life. For making a responsible decision to better my health. And I'll be beautiful because of those choices. Not because I'm thin, and not because I'm overweight. But because I'm HEALTHY. That's the only label I want.