Thursday, April 26, 2007
GOOD START!
Ok, so I restarted Weight Watchers two weeks ago. I made them give me a brand new book, with a new start weight - which just happened to be the most I had ever weighed. Awfully depressing, but also shocking enough to make me get back on track.I didn't weigh-in last week because Cynthia was away and I figured I'd just wait for her and have my first weigh-in this week. I also did that because I knew the loss would be bigger and more motivating. Good call on my part.
I weighed-in last night and I lost 8.8 lbs! I was SO happy to see all my hard work pay-off and I'm glad that these small battles I fight with myself every day over what to eat (and NOT eat) pay off.
I've also decided to jump on the You Tube bandwagon and start a video blog. Rather than type out a whole separate weight-loss blog entry each week, I'm just going to do it video-style. I thought that might be more interesting and I might be able to get more of a support base that way. I'll post the first one on my weight loss blog later today.
So yay for me! I made good choices that I feel great about, and that loss is one I can really be proud of. Whoo hoo!
Monday, April 23, 2007
I LOVE THIS WOMAN!
AMEN, SISTAH!
Thursday, April 19, 2007
THE DIGITAL AGE & COMMON COURTESY
I have a love-hate relationship with the internet. I love that I can find ANYTHING I need: information, furniture, friends, etc. What I HATE is that it has made dating and human interaction sterile and void of any sensitivity, tact, or courtesy.I've recently given up on internet dating for this very reason. Too many men are just looking for a quick screw. There's no tact, no effort, and worst of all, absolutely NO romance. So I've given up on it and decided that if I'm meant to be with someone, I'll meet him the old fashioned way: in real life. Imagine my surprise when I met an attractve, intelligent guy at my regular poker game...that seemed like he *might* be interested! Here's what happened:
You all know I play poker pretty regularly, and I have this home game full of guys (and one awesome lesbian) that I go to a few times a month. The last three times I went, there was a new guy there that I thought was kind of cute. In fact, he looks a bit like the actor Gary Oldman, who I've always had a thing for. Except he's not nearly as suave as GO: kind of nerdy and geeky, but in a really endearing way.Anyhow, at the last game, I decided to try flirting a bit and it seemed to be going well. Nothing over the top, but we had conversation and some laughs sitting next to each other and I thought things went well enough that it would be worth initiating some email conversation (see? love the internet for this reason), and so I did, and he responded. We talked about the poker games and also had this ridulous little thing where I kept asking him how old he was, and he jokingly wouldn't respond. It was all very 6th grade and fun.
So after a few flirty emails back and forth, I decided to drop some hints. I told him I had a question that I wanted to ask but since he was avoiding the age question, I'd probably give up on him answering anything else. He responded by saying this:
Also, just out of curiosity, what was the other inquiry you supposedly
wanted to make? After all, you're *assuming* that I won't answer it by
solely relying on my response to something that might be totally
unrelated. You know what they say about people that do that, right?
Besides, you have no basis to reach this conclusion based on just one
lone query. Granted, maybe I'm like this with anything anyone asks me
(which is entirely possible), but since you don't have a large enough
statistical sampling to go on yet, you'll never know unless you ask...
;-)
Ok, that to me says flirty. He HAD to know what I wanted to ask after I just randomly started emailing him. COME ON. Did I completely misread that? After I saw that, I thought: GREEN LIGHT - ASK HIM.
So I did. I sent him the email. That was at noon Sunday. It's now Thursday afternoon and I haven't heard a word. Every other email was answered within 12 hours. I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I waited. And waited. And stewed in my anger.
The thing is, I can take rejection. I'm well aware that I'm not everyone's cup of tea, and I'm pretty damn picky myself. But what I CANNOT deal with is being IGNORED. It makes me feel ridiculous and pathetic - like I'm someone he has to avoid at all costs. How hard is it to come up with something tactful? You know, "thanks, I'm flattered, but not really interested in anything romantic." What the HELL?
I'm just so upset about this. It bothers me that people use the internet as a "get out of extending courtesy free" card. We had no real history, what I asked him was plain and simple and non-pressuring, just open-ended. And instead of being a MAN and replying in *some* way, he just completely ignored me, which I think is total shit.
I will tell you this, though: I was not wrong. I was NOT wrong for putting myself out there and for letting him know I was interested. I gave him no reason to run away screaming. I asked in a way that was humorous and joking (so I thought) so there'd be no pressure, and I will continue to put myself on the line like that. And screw anyone who can't handle it. I just don't want to be ignored. I mean, who does? I should matter enough (even to a stranger) to elicit a response of some kind.
Labels: courtesy, dating, internet dating, poker
Monday, April 16, 2007
CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE, CHANGE YOUR LIFE
I've been struggling with depression for a long time now. I've blamed it quite frequently on PMS, but I've realized that I'm just been sad. I thought it was because I was alone, and I think that is a small part of it, but mostly I think my sadness stemmed from my inability to get control of myself.In the past few months, I've been eating out of control. I put all of my weight back on (plus some), and just kept going with my mantra that "I have no man, I don't have a lot of money, all I have is food." That's one fucked up mentality, and I allowed myself to wallow in it. No more.
I went back to Weight Watchers last week and rejoined. I was seriously shocked to see the number: it's the most I've ever weighed. It would have been easy to be completely disguested with myself and fall back into a depression, but I've decided that at 35, I've got to create my own happiness.
The real, honest truth is that it's going to be difficult for me to find the man that I want if I'm heavy. Yes, yes, I know I'm beautiful and a good person and all that, but attraction is a very big key and most men just don't dig me as a big girl. But beyond that, I feel bad about myself while I'm heavy. I know that my weight shouldn't be a measurement of my self-worth, but my inability to control my eating habits ultimately destroys my self-esteem. And quite honestly, I'm lonely and the only company I have right now is my bad attitude.
I've lost a lot of the qualities that I always loved about myself: strength, motivation, a strong sense of self-esteem, and an "I'm the shit!" attitude. It's all gone, and I know that I lose a little bit more of it every time I ignore my health. And what's amazing is how quickly that can change.
In the past week, I've made very conscious HEALTHY food choices. I've cooked all my meals. I've written EVERYTHING down, I've done a small amount of exercize. It's pretty remarkable how those changes can have such a huge efffect on me. I feel like I've regained some control. I feel stronger, and I definitely feel more positive. And I feel *happier.* Every good choice I make points me in that direction and helps me keep moving in a forward, positive direction.
I don't write a lot about my weight here, and from now on, I'll be posting it in my weight loss journal: SIX MILLION DOLLAR DIVA. But I need to rally up some support, so I'd appreciate it if you could bookmark the weight loss journal too. And I won't lie, motivating comments are always helpful, so feel free to comment away!
But the moral of the story is this: I really AM the master of my own destiny and happiness. Everything in life is a choice, and every choice I make directly effects my happiness. And so today, I choose happiness. I'm making choices to better my life, not keep me where I am. Rock on, Diva. Rock on.