Monday, November 05, 2007
THE BBW WAY OF LIFE
Ok, I know I'm likely going to get some serious backlash for this, but it's been on my mind for a while now. For those of you who don't know, BBW means "Big, Beautiful Woman." I don't know who coined that term, but I've always hated it. I've always hated how it singled women out like sideshow freaks, and how it has the same ring to it that "BDSM" has to it: a fetish calling. There are a lot of women who'll argue with me on this (some my friends) on how it is a positive term to enpower larger women and the acceptance of larger women, it's just never felt like that to me. It's always made me feel uneasy, like "something to behold," and per usual, made my weight the focus of who I was as a person.
99% of the men I dated who were into BBW were not at all interested in who I was as a person. They were mostly concerned with my fat. Don't get me wrong, we all have our preferences, but I feel like there's a wide gap between visual preferences and fetishes, and my dates always seemed to exist on the other side of that fence. Example: one man asked me if "I ever had my belly licked..you should try it, you'd like it." It still makes me cringe to even think about that. Another took me out for lunch, and made me pay FOR THE ENTIRE MEAL BECAUSE HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY, all the while staring intently at my chest and telling me that at 41, he lived in his parents basement and had dated pretty much every fat girl in the community. It seemed like the quality of men I met was not really to my liking, and every one of them seemed to have this lustful look in their eyes that I could not ignore.
And that's the thing, the community is small. There's a lot of incestuous relationships where all the women know each other, are pretty catty, and pretty much everyone has dated each other. And it breeds a mindset in some of the women that I'm just not comfortable with. If you go to any site, you'll likely see numerous half-naked pictures of them, and even worse if you attend a BBW dance (yes, they have those). The women grind up against each other while the men circle around the dancefloor and watch like predators. They put on a show for them, and it makes me sick to my stomach.
After numerous encounters with these men, I just decided BBW dating was not for me. Still, I didn't trust men to look beyond my weight or the outside package. I always just assumed that any man who was interested in me was interested in me because I was fat. That was, until I met Bob. At first, I thought he might be one of those men, but once I realized that we had a connection, I knew he loved me for the things about myself that I am proud of. He loved that I was a singer, and loved to hear me sing. He loved that I was funny and that I was outgoing. But curiously enough, after 7 years of our being together, I know that in addition to my age, my weight was the other reason he wouldn't make a commitment to me. He was embarassed of me.
Now putting aside all of the dating and emotional issues, my weight has been an increasingly difficult PHYSICAL problem to deal with. In my twenties, I was full of energy and always on the go. In my thirties, my body started to betray me. Everything hurts. Walking is a huge pain in the ass. Breathing is too when I go up stairs. It just sucks. I feel twenty years older than I actually am. My 68 year old (ex)boyfriend had more energy than I did. That's just not right.
And I see a very large problem in this growing movement of "fat acceptance." The thing is, realistically, EVERYONE should be accepted - no matter what their size. Everyone should be treated with respect. But just today, I saw a 20-something youtube video of this extremely overweight girl rolling around in practically nothing, licking her lips and staring at the camera with a come-hither look. Incredibly degrading, and she doesn't even know it. All the comments were, "I'd tap that!" and "I'd sleep with her just to say I did a fat chick!" and she would respond with these big grand "Thank you!" messages with smiley faces. And then she would state numerous times that you can be fit and healthy at ANY weight, and that she was healthy at hers (she weighs MORE than me). And therein lies the problem.
NO. Fat is NOT healthy. It is NOT good for you. You will never ever be able to convince me otherwise. Right now, she's not feeling it in her twenties, or if she is, she's completely denying it. In 10 years, she'll be singing a much different tune, I promise you.
I think the fat acceptance movement gives overweight people an excuse to continue being overweight and to coddle themselves. I think it's much easier to stand for a social acceptance issue and then quietly continue down the same destructive eating path that got us where we are today. If you've got men who are telling you you're sexy and gorgeous the way you are, you're less motivated to do something to better your health, and most times, they'll see to it that you don't. If you've got a whole movement of people saying that fat should be accepted and even worshipped, why do heavier women still feel the need to strip down to barely nothing and degrade themselves in front of complete strangers to PROVE that they're sexy? I think this mentality is just as dangerous as "thin is in" mentality that the media throws in our face. Either end of the spectrum is the extreme.
(And for the record, I do realize that some overweight women CAN be perfectly healthy. What I'm really referencing is obesity - of which there is an epidemic in this country. And no, obesity is NOT healthy. Science PROVES IT.)
The people in my life right now love me because I'M ME. They love me because of my qualities and see past my weight. But me, I can't see past it any longer. It's defined who I am for 35 years. It's had me wage an internal emotional battle with myself for 35 years. It's kept me from living and doing things that I WANT to do. I can't ride a bike. I can't audition for a lead role in a musical. I can't be picked up by someone who loves me. My fat rules my life. And it's NOT a positive thing. I don't want anyone telling me that those things are acceptable. I don't want anyone telling me that the 6 pills a day I take to regulate my blood pressure and insulin are acceptable. I don't want to coddle myself any more.
I tried losing weight. Cripes, I've tried everything. Like so many other people, it's an uphill battle, fighting genetics, emotional issues, convenience, and just plain not being able to move much at this weight. As obsese people, we've got two choices: lose weight through dieting, or lose weight through surgery. My doctor told me that statistically, people with 100+ lbs to lose are only truly successful through surgery. And so I'm making the choice that gives me the best chance to survive past 50.
I'm taking a very drastic measure because I want to be accepted for being ME. For being pro-active in my health and longevity of my life. For making a responsible decision to better my health. And I'll be beautiful because of those choices. Not because I'm thin, and not because I'm overweight. But because I'm HEALTHY. That's the only label I want.
Read or Post a Comment
i want to make laudatory comments but everything i write sounds trite or patronizing. in short, yay for this!
-=(you know who)
Thanks, uh, YOU. lol I know who it is, dontcha worry. I appreciate your support, YOU!
Also...
After re-reading this, I know it sounds like I'm generalizing about a whole community. I won't lie, I do think it is a fairly large percentage of the community, but I do know that there are men that are kind and sweet and loving and just have a general preference, and I know there are women who are heavy that eat well and take care of themselves AND stand for acceptance. I know they exist.
Obviously, my discussion on this was based on my experience and my perception of things, but I certainly didn't mean to generalize to be inclusive of EVERYONE in the community.
Just wanted to clarify. :)
wow...i think you really clarified your feelings here honestly - and without sweeping generalizations.
you are absolutely empathetic to those who struggle with their own issues on the subject and with a keen eye to the positive impact personal responsibilty has on one's overall health and quality of life.
and i am right there with ya fighting the good fight, but the bottom line is - this is about how YOU feel - and your candor is commendable...moreso because i know how difficult this is for you.
thanks for sharing.
you know i think you're GREAT! - a warm, bright, wonderful, wise, talented, beautiful, human being who is a joy to be around and an inspiration to me personally...i am so so so so lucky to have you as my friend.