Monday, April 16, 2007
CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE, CHANGE YOUR LIFE
I've been struggling with depression for a long time now. I've blamed it quite frequently on PMS, but I've realized that I'm just been sad. I thought it was because I was alone, and I think that is a small part of it, but mostly I think my sadness stemmed from my inability to get control of myself.In the past few months, I've been eating out of control. I put all of my weight back on (plus some), and just kept going with my mantra that "I have no man, I don't have a lot of money, all I have is food." That's one fucked up mentality, and I allowed myself to wallow in it. No more.
I went back to Weight Watchers last week and rejoined. I was seriously shocked to see the number: it's the most I've ever weighed. It would have been easy to be completely disguested with myself and fall back into a depression, but I've decided that at 35, I've got to create my own happiness.
The real, honest truth is that it's going to be difficult for me to find the man that I want if I'm heavy. Yes, yes, I know I'm beautiful and a good person and all that, but attraction is a very big key and most men just don't dig me as a big girl. But beyond that, I feel bad about myself while I'm heavy. I know that my weight shouldn't be a measurement of my self-worth, but my inability to control my eating habits ultimately destroys my self-esteem. And quite honestly, I'm lonely and the only company I have right now is my bad attitude.
I've lost a lot of the qualities that I always loved about myself: strength, motivation, a strong sense of self-esteem, and an "I'm the shit!" attitude. It's all gone, and I know that I lose a little bit more of it every time I ignore my health. And what's amazing is how quickly that can change.
In the past week, I've made very conscious HEALTHY food choices. I've cooked all my meals. I've written EVERYTHING down, I've done a small amount of exercize. It's pretty remarkable how those changes can have such a huge efffect on me. I feel like I've regained some control. I feel stronger, and I definitely feel more positive. And I feel *happier.* Every good choice I make points me in that direction and helps me keep moving in a forward, positive direction.
I don't write a lot about my weight here, and from now on, I'll be posting it in my weight loss journal: SIX MILLION DOLLAR DIVA. But I need to rally up some support, so I'd appreciate it if you could bookmark the weight loss journal too. And I won't lie, motivating comments are always helpful, so feel free to comment away!
But the moral of the story is this: I really AM the master of my own destiny and happiness. Everything in life is a choice, and every choice I make directly effects my happiness. And so today, I choose happiness. I'm making choices to better my life, not keep me where I am. Rock on, Diva. Rock on.
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Good for you!!!!! Hang in there.... if there's anything I've learned this year, it's that only YOU can take care of you, whether you're "alone" (which you're really not) or not. You deserve to be your own best friend and to give yourself all of the care, compassion, forgiveness and love that you've shown to so many others throughout your life. I'm pulling for you!
--Mara
Aww, thanks Mara! You were always such an inspiration and I really appreciate the kind words. Hope all is good for your in sunny FL! I need to check in on your site to see what's up with you!
Sweetheart, I am totally feelin' you. I start the Nutrisystem Diet tomorrow (and started a new blog to go with it, although I'm not brave enough to post personal photos yet), and I'm doing it for me. Somehow that terrifies me more than empowers me, but I'm doing it anyway - I have my little cooler packed in the fridge just waiting for me to skip off to work tomorrow and everything!
I am sending you big, big hugs, and I'm hoping that we all have our moments of support and encouragement for each other - it's nice to have that!
xoxoxo~