Tuesday, April 11, 2006
I'M A QUEEN, ALRIGHT. QUEEN OF THE BITCHES, BITCHES!
Ok, I admit right now that I have very little tolerance for the ridiculous. I don't know if that's because:
1. I'm in love with someone right now.
2. I'm truly a bitch.
I still have a few personal ads online that I never took down. I think I keep them up there for amusement purposes, and I am never let down. To be clear: I do not date anyone from online. I haven't in a long, long time since I've been with Bob. I just forget to take them down and when I check them, I'm so amused at the responses I've gotten, that I just leave them up there for more.
Here's one I got today:
Hello, I am sir Bradley, a knight who is insearch of his Queen. May I speak with you?
I just ignored it, but in an alternate universe where I wouldn't scar someone's feelings, this is what I'd like to say:
No. In fact, jump back on your unicorn and head out to slay some more dragons. Either that, or just go and meet your other dorky friends for your weekly game of dress-up and dorkiness that is Dungeons & Dragons. The only Queens in my world are men who wear boas and snap in a Z formation. And I love them. And not you. So go find your princess with your pea somewhere else, Lancelot.
I realize that's pretty harsh and he was just trying to be nice, but I just have little tolerance for that style of romance. You know, the geek hall of fame kind.
But he was fairly innocent and nice. This was another that I got that makes my skin crawl:
All day I picture curves arching under me
Dripping the sweat of passion, the heat
Jeering at the bodies we use to strain for
pleasure
Equaled by no other. We quest together for the
Coolness and calmness that follows it.
Tonight I must make this image into reality.
I cannot live on images. Sustenance craves
Veritability of pleasure, not phantoms of fever.
Each moment stretches into eternity; I
Long to run my hand down the spine, cup
Each buttock in turn, lick a line of
Shivers along the spine hiding behind you.
Soon I will make love to you.
I am Burning with desire for you!!
Help? ;-)
BRB....
Ok, just had to go vomit. I feel much better. I also ignored him, but here's what I'd like to right to him:
I know that you think that you're being poetic and artsy with your prose, but the only thing that's burning here is my eyes after reading that. You know, that intense burning like when you've poured a vat of acid in them. ho do you think you're kidding? I mean, does this EVER work for you? Because to me it screams, "I'm a dirty son of a bitch who can't get laid. Oh, and I use the word buttocks, because it's CLASSY, like me." You probably have those photos of piano keys with a rose strewn across them (circa 1982)all over your house too. I'm pretty sure your picture is hanging up at the post office.
But, alas, I'll just ignore him and vent to YOU, my dear reader. I mean, this is why I HATE the internet sometimes. That is some of the skeeviest shit I've ever read, and you know this dude never goes out - and if he did, he wouldn't be laying this bullshit on anyone in real life, you know? Just because you have the internet and anonymity, that doesn't make you a poet, BOZO.
Eh. I'm a crank today, can you tell? I've got PMS and 4 hours of sleep. Let a girl bitch it out, ok?
Read or Post a Comment
just reply with this:
burning, eh? might be gonorrhea.
that was me, by the way.
-=be/\/
...nicely played ben...very nice indeed........snrrrk